Jokes

For Christmas, I've bought my wife a wooden leg.
It's a stocking filler

A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

My devil spawn came up to me the other day and said,

"The next time I get a pile of coal from Father Christmas, I'm going to wait 50 years until all the reserves run out and then sell it for a ridiculous amount of money."

Clever little shit.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door.

She said, "Do you know anything about the knickers that were on my washing line this morning?"

I said, "Yeah. Pink, size 12, bought from M&S, made in China and they have a huge cum stain on front."

"No they don't you fucking pervert!" she screamed.

"Do you wanna bet?" I said.

"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is an awesome phrase. But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon
wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride
was just 23 years old. The groom looked pretty feeble and
the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him since
his young bride was a healthy, vivacious woman.
...
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down
the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the
banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little
shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,
"Whatever happened to you, dear? You look like
you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to
speak, "Geez, he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years,
and I thought he meant his money!"

A man came home from work two black eyes, obvious getting punched by someone.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"
...
"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "but how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "so I pushed it back in."