Jokes

Geezer walks into the doctors....The doctor exclaims,"what an earth is that steering wheel doing attatched to your cock? It must be sending U mad???". The geezer replies ," well doctor its driving me fucking nuts!!".

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

So a woman was at work and she was really tired and she asked her boss if she could go home early

“Sure” her boss said

On the way home from work (she walked home) she suddenly got very hungry and decided to stop at Ticos Tacos to get a bean burito.
...
After that she went home and her husband was waiting for her at the front door.

He said “Here honey put this on”

“Okay…” she said and it was a blindfold.

Her husband said “just wait here” and sat her down in their dining room chair

The woman knew that her husband was out of the room so that bean burito she ate was catching up to her she might as well let out the gas now.

She farted for about 15 minnutes and

her husband came back in and said “okay honey take off the blindfold”

She did and thelights flicked on and there was about 20 pepople in the room

“SURPRISE!” they yelled “HAPPY B-DAY!!”

Why is Haloween the best time for perverts???
Its an excuse to put willies up each other!!

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They ...have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

It was such a beautiful, sunny, autumn day, mrs w and I went for a walk in the countryside. To our astonishment, we saw this scarecrow in a field trying to have a wank.

I turned to mrs w and said "he's just clutching at straws........"

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...

For some reason women think childbirth is the hardest thing imaginable.Well,they've never had to try pissing with an erection.