Jokes

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said... anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled, the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said: "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then weakly said: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

What does a pizza delivery boy and a gyncologist have in common??
They can both smell it,but cant taste it!!!! Hehehe..

Women are just like cartons of orange juice.

It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is - it’s getting those fucking flaps open!!

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

How much calcium can you get from sucking on a nipple ? Apparently enough to grow a bone.

Six and a half foot plank thrown thru a shop window in Tottenham..
Police say Peter Crouch is recovering well in hospital....lol...

A man is being interviewed for a job as a TV news broadcaster and does well, except he keeps winking and stammering as he speaks. Finally, the interviewer says, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, I'm afraid that we can't hire someone who winks and stammers all the time."

"Oh, that's no problem," the man replies. "If I take a couple of Aspirin, I'll stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Really?" says the incredulous interviewer. "Show me."

The man reaches into his pocket. Embarrassingly, he pulls out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavored, colored -- before he finds the packet of Aspirin. He takes a pill and immediately speaks perfectly without stammering or winking.

"That's amazing!" the interviewer replies, "but I don't think we could hire someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"But I'm happily married!" exclaims the man, "not a womanizer!"

"Well, how do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

The man says, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of Aspirin?"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and es...calators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.
"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of him."