Jokes

Mary was walking through Tesco’s when she ran into Harry, who she hadn't seen in a couple of years. They got to talking and eventually Harry enquired after Paddy, her husband.

‘Oh Dear: haven't you heard? Unfortunately he’s no longer with us.’

‘What dead?’

‘Yes.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. If it’s not too intrusive, can I enquire what he died of?’

.The big C got him.’

‘Oh my God.’ he replied. ‘Cancer is so common nowadays.’

‘Ah no it wasn’t cancer, he fell overboard on the Belfast to Liverpool ferry, and drowned in “THE BIG SEA.’

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a 100 quid if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.. She said "The b*stard used pound coins!"

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater

.5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Q. What has two legs and bleeds easily?
A. Half a dog.

Record two television shows at the same time? Why, that's not even remotely possible.
(bit of a tv related pun for you)

whats black with 2 broken arms?

colonel gaddafi's sunglasses

How did cops catch the chocolate thief ?

There was a bounty on his head.

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out.
The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.
The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman.
This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave.
This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

Surgeons chatting

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said, "electricians are the best, everything inside is colour coded." The second surgeon says, "no, I think librarians are. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "you're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable!"

I was in a club last night & this girl says to me "what have you got on it smells lovely" I said "well,I've got a hard-on but I didn't think you could smell it"