Jokes

I can't believe I forgot it was remembrance day.

Boy: So, sex at my place?
Girl: Yah!
Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we’re making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder.
Girl: OK?
~Later~
…Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE!
Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!

X-Factor: They can fix a whole series but not a technical fault.

I was in the pub last night about to order a drink when a fat bird came up to me at the bar, holding her empty glass.

She winked and said "looks like your round"

I looked at her and replied "No love, it looks like you're round"

Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was "dependent on alcohol" to make it through the final Harry Potter films.

That makes two of us.

I was chatting to a girl in a pub last night,when suddenly her boyfriend came towards me shaking his fist.He said "do you want some of this ?" I said "No,I'd rather fuck your girlfriend"

Are you insured for sex? Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Sex with your wife :- Legal and General
Sex on the phone :- Direct Line
Sex with your partner :- Standard Life
Sex with someone different :- Go Compare
Sex with a fat bird :- More Than
Sex in a car :- Shelia's Wheels
Sex with a posh bird :- Privileged
Sex with a Transvestite :- Confused.Com

The best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So I nip the wife on her bum and say, "Two sugars, please!"

What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair?

The front row of a One Direction concert.

Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Witbread."I'ts not what it looks like" I pleaded."Well what is it then ?" she replied." A woman" I said.

Sepp Blatter has said that his comments about racism in football have been misconstrued but leading figures from the world of football want him to resign.

Gordan Taylor said, "It's the straw that broke the camels back"

Jim Boyce has said "I'm very surprised to hear the remarks"

John Terry said "The stupid old swiss cunt"