Jokes

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with The Beach Boys.

Wouldn't it be nice?

Why not try a Lloyd Grossman curry tonight? not only will you be able to look through the keyhole.....you`ll be able to fucking shit through it aswell!

I changed my gas supplier today.

From Heinz to Branston.

My wife accused me of being a sexist and sleeping with her best friend. I denied being a sexist, but admitted to sleeping with the vacuum cleaner.

An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."

A superconductor walks into a bar. The barman says "we don't serve superconductors here."

The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

why is the upper leg larger than the lower leg?

because the THIGHS difference (size? get it? no?... hmm)

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

On tonights I'm a Celebrity a kangeroo faces a tough bush tucker trial when it has to eat one of Fatima Witbread's testicles.

REMEMBER

When you are in bed with a blind girl and she says "Ive never had my hands on a cock as big as yours" shes probably pulling your leg