Jokes

My wife said "I bet you can't go a whole day without making a period joke ?" I said " Your on"

I had to go to a meeting in Eastbourne of all places, and as the meeting finished early I had time for a stroll down the seafront in the autumn sunshine before driving home.

It was great seeing all those little old ladies supporting Movember so enthusiastically.

Whats pink and hard??
A pig with a flicknife....

I went back to a girls house last night.After getting naked on the sofa,she pointed to a coffee table & said "would you rather shag me over that ?" I said "Yes I would,you're much prettier"

My girlfriend thinks she has a stalker

Well actually shes not my girlfriend yet

I just killed a huge spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.I don't care how big a spider is,never steel my fucking shoe !

my grandad left me an antique globe
it meant the world to me

She is only your cousin from the front.

A man phones work to say he won’t be coming in because he’s sick. His boss says, “You know, when I feel ill, I have sex with my wife. I find it’s very therapeutic and you should try it.” After heeding his advice, the employee shows up to the office two hours later, looking rather healthy. “I see it did the trick then?” says the gaffer. “Too right!” replies the employee. “And what a lovely house you’ve got, boss!”

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside
the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check
for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"