Jokes

Dropped my brand new laptop into the sea yesterday. It's a Dell rolling in the deep.    

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.    

i just found out i've got ocd.... no, sorry.... Ocd.... wait, oCd.... no, sorry, ocD.... wait, no, OCd..... no, oCD...wait, sorry OCD... no, wait, i meant cod, i caught it earlier!

(look at that, two jokes in one... i own this thread lol)

Boris Johnson. Putting the ROFL into Mayor of London.    

No thanks Party Casino, if I wanted to gamble when watching porn, I'd leave the volume on full and my door wide open when watching.    

There once was a man from Dundee,
Who's limericks ended on line three,
I don't know why.    

A man goes in to a barber's shop and asks how many people are waiting to be served. "I've got three cuts and a shave booked this morning" replies the barber. The man leaves but comes back the next day. "How many waiting today?" he asks. "I've got two cuts, a dye job and a shave" replies the barber. The next day, the man is back with the same question. "Four cuts and a wash" says the barber. This goes on for weeks until the barber gets suspicious - perhaps the man is a rival planning on opening his own barber shop in the area. Perhaps he wants to find out how much business he can expect. To solve the mystery, the barber gets his assistant to follow the man the next time he drops by. Next day the man comes in, asks his usual question and leaves, this time trailed by the barber's assistant. When the assistant gets back, the barber asks "well? Who is he? Where did he go?". The assistant replies, "I don't know who he is, but he seems to be a friend of your wife. He just went round to your house"

what women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in life.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

10 Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.