Jokes

i don't like lesbians.... because i believe vaginas should be open to all comers... especially my cock

kylie minogue ,robbie williams and elton john are walking along the street when kylie trips,falls forward and jams her head in some railings .quick as a flash robbie pulls her knickers down and bangs her senseless from behind. slapping her tight little arse he turns to elton and saya,your turn.elton starts crying, whats wrong? says robbie.elton sobs my head wont fit in the railings

"Prince Philip gets Operation for Christmas."

I'd have thought he'd be too old for games like that but it is a classic.

The girls came running up to me last night and said, "Dad, Mummy just told us that Santa is dead"
As they burst into tears I went into the kitchen and said to mrs w, "What the hell did you tell them that for?"
She said, "Well it was either that or tell them that you spent their present money on booze and strippers"

"..............don't worry kids, he didn't suffer"

I remember one Xmas Eve before we were married, I was out Christmas shopping and I phoned miss j (as she then was), asking her for her ring size.

She was so excited she could hardly sleep, and couldn't wait for Xmas morning to open my present.

The look on her face when she saw her brand new butt plug......

2 irish tourists drivivg through wales .at llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogog they stopped for lunch 1 of the tourists asks the waitress.before we order could you settle an argument.can you pronounce where we are very slowly?the waitress leans over and says burr-gurr-king

"OH OH OH" ?!

oh wait, I'm holding it upside down.    

When my son woke up on Christmas morning he was faced with everything he could ever dream of...I got him an Argos catalogue.    

a girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain coming from inside.she asks st peter what it is.he says that is the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings,and their heads for halos.she says i think id rather go to hell.st peter replies,in hell you will be raped and buggered.yeah she says but i already got the fucking holes for that

A man asks a computer dating agency to find him the perfect mate. "I want a companion who is small and cute" he says. "She must love water sports and enjoy group activities." The computer says "marry a penguin".