Jokes

"Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot."
"So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
"Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
"Fuck off!"    

This New Year's Eve, I'm going to frantically masturbate at 11.55pm, and then when I cum at 12 I can pretend that all the cheering and fireworks are for me.

a woman is given a hospital tour,she looks in one room,and sees a man wanking.thats awful she says to the doctor.he explains that the man has an incurable condition.his testicles fill with semen so fast he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in awful pain.poor man says the woman.in the next room she sees a nurse sucking a mans cock.explain that then she says to the doctor.same condition says the doctor but hes with BUPA

New Year Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is "too" much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

2 priests go for a shower and notice theres no soap.father john goes to his room to get some ,not bothering to get dressed,he grabs 2 bars of soap and heads back to the showers.half way down the hall 3 nuns head his way,so he pretends to be a statue.nuns say how life like he is,1st nun pulls his cock.startled he drops a bar of soap oh its a soap dispenser.2nd nun does the same and he drops the other bar.3rd nun keeps tugging at his cock sweet jesus hand lotion too

If a group of necrophiliacs met a group of zombies,who'd do the chasing ?

A man walks in to a bar and orders 20 pints of Guiness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he'll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks his hand up and says he'd like a go if the man can wait half an hour. Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and downs the 20 pints one after another. The man is impressed and hands over the money. "But tell me" he says, "where did you go to for that half an hour?" Patrick replies "ah well, before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it."

2 essex girls pick up perfume sample from counter,sharon sprays on her wrist,thats nice innit,dont you fink trace?yeah wots its called?viena moi,wot the fuck does that mean shal? the assistant pipes up its french for come to me.shal sniffs again,dont smell like come to me does it trace?

What do you get when you get a left leg with a right leg ? A squashed bollock.

After 20 years of marriage, a woman discovers her husband is impotent. In fact, all their married life he'd been pleasuring her with a strap-on dildo. "Thats awful" says the wife, "how could you deceive me like that?" "I'm sorry about the dildo" says the husband. "But I am kind of interested in hearing you explain our three children.."