Jokes

walkers are to add a new flavour crisp to their range, semen flavour, they will be marketed as diet crisps as 98% of women will spit them out

A Texan man goes into an outback pub in Australia and says "y'know, this country might be big, but back home I've got a horse that takes a whole week to ride around my ranch." The bartender replies "I know what y'mean mate. I had a horse like that once - I had to shoot the lazy bastard"

cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors kieth,darren and daisy.they swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally .but daisy feels so bad about having sex with both of them she kills herself.sad for kieth and darren,but they get over it and again nature takes its course.after a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing so they bury her

If my wife has got 6 oranges in one hand and 6 apples in the other hand, what has she got?

No chance of stopping an upper cut.

A knighthood for Doug Ellis?
What next, an honorary MBE to Emile Heskey for services of providing fans with souvenir footballs during games?

God is planning a holiday but can't decide where to go. "What about Mercury?" suggests an angel. "No, too hot" says God. "Then how about Mars?" says the angel. "No, too dry and dusty" says God. "What about Earth?" says the angel. "You've got to be kidding" says God, "I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up some bird, and they're still going on about it."

my gran was telling me the other day that men are not as polite as they used to be,i had to sit her down and tell her its because they are not trying to fuck her any more

There was a knock at the door last night.I opened it to find a man standing there with a clipboard.Good evening "Are you awere..." Yes,yes" I interrupted,trying to get rid of him.He pulled out a gun & shot me.As I lay on the ground in a pool of blood I shouted "What the fuck was that ? "A silver bullet" he replied "I was asking if you were a werewolf"

a convict breaks into a house,and ties up the husband and wife.he jumps on the wife,kisses her ear,then runs to the bathroom.the husband whispers to his wife,satisfy him or hell kill us.i saw the way he kissed you,just be strong,i love you.the wife replies,he didnt kiss me he whispered in my ear hes gay and horny and looking for the vasaline .i told him its in the bathroom.lets see whos fucking strong now

How can you be sure to get stoned? Eat liquid concrete.