Jokes

I hate Auto Correct. I just texted my Nan for Sex tonight by mistake.


I meant 'Tomorrow'    

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.    

i saw 4 men carrying a coffin round and round the cemetery. a couple of hours later i saw the same men still walking round carrying the coffin.i thought to myself theyve lost the fucking plot

Want to know how to make a woman go MMMMMMMMM all night.....duct tape

At a wedding reception the best man said "can all the married men stand next to the one that makes your like worth living.Then barman was crushed to death.

A lady walks into a high class jeweller's shop. She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone has noticed her little accident, and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
Of course, as she turns around, her worse nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, and displaying total professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day Madam, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman just might not have been there at the time of her little "accident", she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

sliced bread, the best thing since.... not knowing what to do with the knife?

Piece of grey tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "I'm the hardest bastard in here!"

Barman says "Calm down mate, of course you are, you're a piece of tarmac!"

Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and says "I'll fight any fucker here; who wants a beating?"

The grey tarmac stays silent. Barman says to him, "why don't you stand up to him?"

Grey tarmac replies, "I'm not messing with that fucker - he's a Cyclepath!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Restaurant JOKE

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."