Jokes

scientists have discovered that most women at sometime will contain intelligent DNA .unfortunately 95% of them spit it out

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and poun...d it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''

Where can you find out about the blood relations of an Englishman?
-In the family tree.
Where can you find out about the blood relation of an Irishman?
- In the Dublin Phone Registry

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were discussing how and at what age they would like to die. 'I'd like to die at The age of eighty,' said The Englishman, 'from an overdose of Yorkshire pudding.'
'I'd like to die at The age of ninety,' said The Scotsman, 'drowned in a vat of Scotch whisky.'
'I'd like to die at The age of a hundred,' said The Irishman, 'shot by a jealous husband.'

mcvities have just brought out a new biscuit its called clitoris creams,one lick and you wanna eat the box

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were travelling by jumbo jet. The captain got worried that they were going to crash so he asked all The passengers to do something religious.
The Englishman sang 'Nearer my God to thee'. The Scotsman recited The Lord's prayer'. The Irishman took his cap off and went around and took up a collection

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

A father and son were eating breakfast. The father's newspaper had the headline, "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".

The son asked "Is he worth it, Dad?"

The father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Andy Carroll, and he is crap."

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care

A young man is starting his first ever job at a morgue. The boss of the morgue thinks, "I'll throw him in at the deep end on his first day, give him a real challenge". So he takes the young man to a door, and he tells the young man, "Behind this door is a room with nothing in it apart from a dead old woman lying completely naked on a slab. You have to go in and inspect her body."

"Inspect her body?" the young man asks.

"Yes", replies the Boss, "Check if everything's OK"

So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out of the room.

"Everything OK?" asks the boss.

"Yes", answers the young man, "Except one thing. She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt."

"She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt!!?", exclaims the boss, astonished.

"Yes", replies the young man.

The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room, and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young man says, "See, I told you".

"That's not a prawn, that's her clittoris!", explains the boss.

"Well, it tasted like a prawn", answers the young man