Jokes

mr smith goes to the doctors to collect his wifes test results.the doctor says im sorry weve got 2 mrs smiths and their results have got mixed up ones got alzheimers and the others got aids.oh dear says mr smith ,what should i do? the doctor says drop her off in town and if she makes it back home dont fuck her

Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.

I was so pissed off after arguing with my wife last night,that I went downstairs & tightened every jar & bottle in the kitchen cupboard.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.

essex girl in a car crash.she says i think ive got concussion.the paramedic says ,how many fingers have i got up.oh fuck she says ,my fannys paralised as well

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Democracy,where any two idiots outvote a genius.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!

Some anagrams for you:

Marilyn Monroe = I marry loon men
Clint Eastwood = old west action
Arnold Schwarzenegger = hes grown large n crazed
Jennifer Aniston = fine in torn jeans
President Clinton of the USA = he finds interns to copulate
Albert Einstein = ten elite brains
George W Bush = he grew bogus
Supreme court = corrupt? sue me
Princess Diana = end is a car spin