Jokes

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!

"Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"

She paused to wipe away a tear, "...If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!"

^at least the third time i've seen that joke on this thread.... but it IS good

little patrick asked his dad for a bike for his birthday.his dad said wed like to get you one son but weve got a £50.000 mortgage and your mums just lost her job,so we just cant afford it.next day patrick is walking out with his suitcase packed.his dad asks, where are you going son?patrick replied,i walked past your room last night and i heard you say to mum that you were pulling out,then mum says to wait coz she was coming too.so im not staying here on my own with a £50,000 mortgage and no fucking bike

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

bloke out for a walk sees a beautiful blond on the edge of a cliff ,are you going to jump?he says .yes.well before you do would you give me a blow job? why not she says and gives him the best bj hes ever had.i cant believe somebody looking like you and with your talent should want to kill themselves .i know she says but my parents cant accept me dressing as a woman

My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his cock hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet.

Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it & stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving & smashing the school up like others I could mention.

"No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do".

a young man walks into a bar and orders 5 vodkas the barman says,celebrating are you.yeah says the young man,my first blow job.congratulations says the barman the next ones on me.thanks says the young man but if 5 vodkas dont take the taste away nothing will

Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven and attend an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

There was this lady (who was a butcher) whose husband always farted really loud at night! She hated it because they stunk so badly! So one night she told her husband that if he kept farting like that at night, then his guts would come out. He didn't believe her but she told him, "Honey, I'm a butcher. I should know."

But he still wouldn't listen to her. So that night she went to her butcher shop and got a big chunk of raw pig guts. When she got home she stuck it in her husbands pants. And of course, he farted really loudly as usual. The next morning when they woke up her husband went to the bathroom. He was in there for a pretty long time so his wife said to him, "Honey, is everything okay. You've been in there for a while."

He replied, "Yeah, everything's fine."

5 minutes later he finally came out of the bathroom. His wife asked him, "So did your guts come out like I said they would?"

He replied, "Yep, but being the smart person I am, I took two fingers and stuck them right back up there!"