Jokes

In an elevator...
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'

Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

A woman walks into a cocktail bar, approaches the barman and says : " Can I have a double-entendre please?"

So he gives her one.........

Man goes into an electrical goods store.

"I'd like to buy a washing machine," he says to the sales assistant. "What can you offer me?"

"Have I got a washing machine for you," says the sales assistant brightly, "a washing machine like you've never seen before. If you've got a dirty pair of trousers, you throw them in, add washing powder, close the hatch, washety-wash and the trousers are clean."

"Great, I'll take ..."

"Wait, another example," says the sales assistant. "If you've got dirty pairs of socks, you throw them in, add washing powder, close the hatch, washety-wash and the socks are clean."

"Yes, but that's more information than I need," says the man. "I'll take ..."

"No, I must explain more," says the sales assistant. "If you've got dirty nappies ..."

"Yes, I know," he sighs, "throw the nappies in, add washing powder, washety-wash and the nappies are clean."

"No!" says the sales assistant. "Now you've got shit all over your face! You forgot to close the hatch!"

How do you know you're leading a sad life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?

During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

(05-02-2012 15:39 )SeanTheDon Wrote:  What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?

During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

And wild sex involves an ostrich!

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.

As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.

The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.

During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?

Her knees.

A guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arm. the barman, a curious fellow, wants a word with the ducks but knows the man would object. after an hour, the man goes to the toilet.

"Hi, what's your name," he asks the first duck

"Luey"

"What you been doing today"

"I've been playing around in Puddles"

"Nice, and your are?" he askes the second

"Huey"

"And what have you been doing today?"

"I've been in and out of Puddles all day, and given the chance I'd do it again"

"Oh," and to the last," you must be Duey?"

"NO! I'm Puddles, and don't you dare ask me how my days been!"