Jokes

Being Valentine's Night I booked the best table at one of the top venues for mrs w and myself.

Ungrateful bitch! Says she doesn't even like snooker

A string walked into a bar, hopped on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."

The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."

Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly.

The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"

The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Wife - "Can I drive?"
Husband - "No. I'm fine"
Wife - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"
Husband - "No"
Wife - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob"
Husband - "Really?"
Wife - "Promise"
Husband - "Oh go on then"

..."And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia".

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

a man walks into a pub with a big smile on his face.

Barman : you look happy, have you just won the lottery?

Man : Nope. i've just rescued a woman from a railway line and she let me f**k her all night.

Barman : Wow, did she suck you off too?

Man : NO, I couldn't find her head.

5 secrets of a perfect relationship for men.
1 its important to have a woman who is good at home and cooks and cleans
2 its important to have a woman who makes you laugh
3 its important to have a woman you can trust and would never lie
4 its important to have a woman who is great in bed
5 its absolutely fucking vital that these 4 women never meet

mrs w was feeling sorry for herself as she stood naked looking in the bedroom mirror. She turned to me and said: "I look horrible, fat and ugly......pay me a compliment"

Apparantly, "....er, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight?" was not what she wanted to hear.

ive just come out of the chippy with a big bag of chips.a tramp outside says ,i havnt eaten anything for 2 days. i wish i had your fucking willpower i said

teacher says todat we are going to talk about our fathers.billy what does your father do.me dads dead says billy.oh im sorry says the teacher,what did he do before he died.turned blue and shit on the carpet says billy

man gets home from work sits down and says to his wife quick get me a drink before it starts.she gets it and he drinks it and says quick get me another before it starts again she gets it and he drinks it and says another quick before it starts,she says look here you lazy bastard you come home sit in the chair and start giving orders fuck me he says its started