Jokes

Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.

I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with the Beatles and she has buggered off to the Isle of Wight.
Yeah, She's got a ticket to Ryde...

Ladies, if he:

- keeps a barrier between you
- doesn't respond to your texts
- ignores you when you're talking to him
- acts disinterested when you try to initiate sex

He’s not your man. He’s Tom Hardy's waxwork & the staff at Madame Tussauds are getting really pissed off now.

__

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied ‘he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday’

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people aged nearly 100 years old having sex was asking for trouble.

‘Oh no my dear’ replied granny, ‘Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ding and out on the dong.

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued ‘He’d still be alive if the ice cream van hadn’t come along’

People keep making fun of my dwarf girlfriend because of her height.

To cheer her up I’m going to buy her some flowers, chocolates and wine, then run her a nice hot sink.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is David.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a quid in.

It’s currently half empty...

I really didn’t want to go on a run today.

But then police showed up from nowhere.

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas Period only.